


fucking cottage cheese au

by Victors_tears



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anal Sex, Artichoke dip, Blood Loss, Character Death, I hate myself, M/M, Mayonnaise, Omega Yuuri, Pancakes, Reincarnation, Strawberry Jam, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Top!Yuuri, What the fuck did I just write, a series of sexual escapades involving viktors love of cottage cheese youre welcome, alpha cottage cheese yuuri, alpha yakov, because that's the truth sorry sweaty I don't make the rules :), beef stroganoff, big strong stroganoff, borscht, bottom!Victor, bottom!viktor, bottom!yuuri, brick - Freeform, cabbage, cottage cheese, cottage cum, cum cheese, deviled asseggs, hoo boy, im so, im sorry mom, macaroni, maybe a little bleeding? viktor likes it though dont worry, mayo - Freeform, oh and a little of, oh i forgot a tag, oh no, sorry - Freeform, sourcream - Freeform, sweetened condensed milk, they switch I guess, top!Viktor, viktor is a freak, who let me, yuuri likes it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2018-10-23 03:43:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10711479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Victors_tears/pseuds/Victors_tears
Summary: Viktor likes cottage cheese.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alexis_Katsuki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexis_Katsuki/gifts), [Hellohoney](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellohoney/gifts), [yuurikatsuckme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuurikatsuckme/gifts), [naughthere](https://archiveofourown.org/users/naughthere/gifts), [Mikai02](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mikai02/gifts), [Alphina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alphina/gifts), [ViktoriousNikiforov](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViktoriousNikiforov/gifts).
  * Translation into Wikang Filipino available: [tanginang kesong puti au](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11073006) by [gatoradebitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gatoradebitch/pseuds/gatoradebitch)



> GUYS GUYS GUYS THERES A TAGALOG TRANSLATION NOW  
> http://archiveofourown.org/chapters/24695370?show_comments=true&view_full_work=false#comment_109982781
> 
> BLESS YOU MARA

After the fated figure skating season that had brought the two star-crossed lovers, Viktor and Yuuri together, they had decided to settle down in Viktor's home in Saint Petersburg. 

About one year after their engagement in Barcelona, they got married. They had a beautiful winter wedding outside the natural skating rink in Red Square with lots of family, friends, and many beautiful memories already made and bred to come in the future as Viktor and Yuuri began their long journey of life together, hand in hand, never to leave each other's side.

Yuuri and Viktor love eachother so much- their whole lives have developed more meaning than they could have ever precedented or imagined before--- they had truly taught each other the meaning of "life" and "love", and for that, they'd never let achother go.

~~~

Yuuri would do anything for his husband, and viktor would reciprocate this full heartedly. As with any married couple, they'd had their fair share of romps in bed, celebrating the new lively vigor they absorb from each other. They've done a lot of different things in bed of course, their fair share of kinks all explored. Viktor would gladly shove a tentacle up his ass if that made yuuri happy, and yuuri would gladly eat viktor's disgusting food (he's a terrible cook) if that made him happy. They were quite insufferable in just how lovestruck they were with each other. 

 

However, no one could really see this next kink coming. 

 

Viktor has a love of cottage cheese, more specifically, the Russian cottage cheese his mother makes frequently, called Tvorog. He loves it so much; it is quite honestly his favorite thing in the whole world besides Yuuri and skating. He'd deadass shove it up his ass any day for yuuri. He's use it as ass lube any day for yuuri, no, for even just himself. He loves cottage cheese so much, someone save him.

Yuuri doesn't really understand his love for cottage cheese; he's never really been a fan. The idea that it's like,,,,,, really old milk makes him shudder, but despite this, he'd gladly feed Viktor cottage cheese by spoon any day. 

One day, while they were about to get real feisty with each other, Viktor stammered out a request that left Yuuri surprised but also strangely aroused. He didn't really understand why he was aroused, and quite frankly, i don't either. Viktors a freak.

 

"Yuuri shove cottage cheese up my ass and mash it in with strawberry jelly."

"okay"  Yuuri couldn't refuse that offer, even though he really should have.

 

Yuuri promptly went into the fridge, took out a container full of Viktor's mom's homemade cottage cheese and a spoon, and began spreading Viktors ass cheeks enough to take a spoonful of cottage cheese into his asshole. Viktor moaned and started leaking precum steadily into their bedsheets. Once Viktor was filled to the brim with cottage cheese, yuuri hurried back to the kitchen to fulfill the other half of the request. He took a jar of strawberry jelly and spoon, sighed deeply, and proceeded to "jam" the strawberry jelly into his urethra. He moaned loudly in pain and confused pleasure. Partially in anger.

 

"Yuuri are you okay over there please hurry and flavor my cottage cheese with your jelly"

"Im gonna impregnate you with my jam just you wait you dirty little slot"

 

Yuuri hurried back to the bedroom and forcefully inserted his sticky peen into Viktor greedy cottage cheese filled hole. A few deep thrusts had pink cottage cheese and jam globs flying out in all directions, painting the bedsheets with sweet, delightful goodness. Viktor moaned, "yuuri mash me like a potato" and the request sent yuuri over the edge, mixing his cum with strawberry jelly and the cottage cheese in viktors ass. They both came hard, cottage cheese and jam staining the walls and filth flowing out of their mouths, filth such as 

 

"Yuuri plant your strawberry seeds in my ass and make it grow into a beautiful strawberry tree" 

"Viktor strawberries don't grow on trees you're 29 you should know this" and

 

"Viktor i'm gonna ram you so hard the cottage cheese in your ass will make it to your mouth, so you'll never stop tasting cottage cheese ever again" 

"Thank".

 

After a few seconds of heavy breathing and last moans, yuuri exited Viktor creamy hole, and picked up a spoon to begin their breakfast for the day. 

 

"Today, we're having cottage cheese and strawberry jam"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen okay i recently had some cottage cheese and i said to my discord, "id use cottage cheese as ass lube any day"
> 
> this was born.
> 
> I really like cottage cheese.


	2. Cheese 2---- the cheesening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor loves cOtTaGe ChEeSe

The various kinks of Viktor and Yuuri Katsuki-Nikiforov fail to ever falter. Since the awakening of their sexual demons inside, (the infamous cottage cheese incident), Viktor and Yuuri have never ceased to surprise each other with new things to try every time they went to bed together. They shoved various things into their asses, like octopus, squid, shrimp, eggplants, tomatoes, bonsais, carrots, spaghetti, peppers, even lasagna. Their kinks are stupidly out of control. Who let them.

 

One would think they’d get tired of having sticky sauces and such in their rectums. 

They never get tired of this. 

 

One day in particular, they decide to go back to their humble roots from all the weird food fucking and just have a nice cuddle day, where theyd lay in bed together, hold each other tight, and never let go. 

 

And it started out just fine. Viktor wrapped his arms around his beautiful katsudon as Yuuri nuzzled his face into Viktor’s shoulder. They are stupidly in love, the little dorks. 

 

Yuuri’s stomach rumbles with the tell-tale sign of hunger. Its 7 am. Yuuri wants breakfast.

 

He whispers to Viktor “Viktor i want food fill me up pls”

And Viktor responds “i know exactly how ;)))))))))”

 

Viktor crawls out of bed slowly with a devious smile. 

 

He is a terrible cook, but oddly enough, he can make one food perfectly. Syrniki. A type of popular russian breakfast food that is practically pancakes made out of cOtTaGe ChEeSe. Perfect.Fuck i love cottage cheese i love it so MUCH

 

Anyway viktor takes a long time in the kitchen and yuuri gets worried cause like did he light himself on fire? Did he die? Don't tell me he put dry pasta in the microwave again i swear to fucki---

 

“Viktor are you okay are you dead”

“No yuuri im okay ill be there in a minute”

 

Like 10 minutes pass in total silence. Except yuuri’s stomach growling. That boy is insatiable and very hungry.

 

Finally viktor comes back completely naked and with a plate of beautiful cottage cheese pancakes, topped with sweetened condensed milk and sourcream. Fuck did i say i love cottage cheese FUCK SHOVE IT UP MY ---

 

“Hello viktor that is food can you feed me”, yuuri asks.

“Yuuri deadass can i smear condensed milk on your rippling chest muscles”, Viktor interrupts Yuuri’s question with another inquiry.

Yuuri responds, “lol okay”

 

Viktor grabs the can of sweetened condensed milk and proceeds to drizzle it all over Yuuri’s  naked, fresh body. Yuuri moans with both excitement and hunger.

 

Viktor straddles yuuri, pressing both of his hands on the creamy goodness coating yuuri delicious golden body. He licks his lips hungrily. He can feel his dick get harder than the brick yuuri shoved up his ass 2 weeks ago. Ah, memories. He still has a rash from that. He lied to his doctor about why the brick got lodged in his ass---- he said he wa a construction worker. I dont think the doctor believed him.

 

Anyway yuuri is all hot and bothered with sweetened condensed milk on his body. He eyes the plate next to him . 

 

“Viktor didnt you also top my breakfast with sourcream”

“I did. You wanna try it?”

“Lol k”

 

Viktor flips yuuri around on his hands and knees, firmly spreads his asscheeks, and proceeds to slapping large globs of sour cream into his asshole. Yuuri moans and whimpers “yes daddy cream me”. Viktor puts wayy too much sourcream. It’s leaking everywhere oh god this is even worse than the beef stroganoff incident oh god why viktor why are you doing this

 

Yuuris dick is so hard it can kill a man, and theres enough precum leaking out of it to make me cry a fucking river. He’s so beautiful. 

 

Viktor sneakily takes a sugar-coated pancake, and shoves it up yuuris ass before he can realize what he was gonna go.

 

Yuuri screeches like goddamn sexy pterodactyl as the slippery pancake stimulates his pulsing prostate, possibly impregnating him.

 

“Oh yes deddy fill me up with that cottage cheese”

Viktor, while shoving his purple cock into yuuri, screams “i am thE BIGGEST CHEESE STAN”

 

All it takes are a few quick thrusts before they’re both coming hard  with various sugary substances flying in the air.

 

They giggle at their little mess as they both descend from their orgasmic high. Viktor has a hard time exiting Yuuri. All the...sweetened condensed milk is uh..,,.,., ,,  rather sticky,  , ,, , Viktor pulls out of yuuri. "thank."

 

This was a night neither of them would ever forget <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love syrniki shove it up my ass


	3. cheese 3--------ohgodwhy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> viktor,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant believe chapters 1 and 2 got over 1000 hits in under 48 hours. yall are sick, but me too so its okay ily all

[TIME SKIP but backwards cause its a flashback duh]

Viktor and yuuri are fucking idiots i swear to god

A week after the cottage cheese incident, of course, viktor and yuuri have absolutely zero regrets. Especially Viktor. Hes a freak. He’d shove so many things up his ass for yuuri its not even funny. But yall clearly know that cause youre sick fucks who gave a fucking cottage cheese au over 1000 hits in under 48 hours. Yall are sick. Thank.

Anyway Viktor has been a thirsty goddamn slot ever since that night, with almost a constant erection and an insufferable goddamn thirst. Yuuri loves teasing him with vegetables.

“Wow viktor youre thirsty you want this juicy carrot up your ass”  
“Yes”  
“Too bad im teasing u lol”

That day yuuri relentlessly teased viktor’s unending horniness with various items in the kitchen in a similar way.

“Viktor do you want this asparagus up your butt”  
“yes”  
“too bad”

“Viktor you want this spatula up your butt”  
“yes”  
“too bad”  
“aaaHHWHWHWHWW GEEeezzZ”

this continued until Viktor was so thirsty and completely naked grinding on yuuri in the kitchen begging for just one item up his starved and greedy hole. He didn't care what. He needed penetration.

Yuuri was also enjoying the desperate writhing of his insatiable husband. He peen was going doki doki. Dokipeen, if you will.

Yuuri looked around to get some ideas that would drive his husband wild. He's been abused in his butthole with various objects so much that anything like cottage cheese again might just slide out of his butthole. He's too loose now. Not that that's a bad thing. Yuuri loves Viktors saggy asshole. It drives him wild.

Anyway yuuri and Viktor are actually in the process of having a vacation house being built by the ocean.

a brick house.

yuuri had taken a brick from the scene of the construction and wrote their names in sharpie on it for memories.  
it looked like this:

(art courtesy of Kenzie in my physics class)  
(also yeet I wrote this during physics don't @ me I feel like after this whole year I know less about physics than when I started gee i wonder why)

Anyway yuuri gets the bright idea to shove it up viktors ass without lube because does proper lube exist in this au

oh wait no he'll use the leftover beef stroganoff in the fridge as lube who is he kidding he loves beef stroganoff it’s viktor’s mom’s recipe and he lives in russia now so it’s perfect

He'll make the biggest mess out of Viktor.

he wants to tear that crusty orifice apart with this gosh darn brick God help him

anyway Viktor is like rutting his leaking pUrPlE cock (shut up y'all he's real riled up okay maybe he has circulation issues you don't know his life) against yuuris leg similar to how makkachin humped him when they first met cause he's a goddamn puppy for Yuuri and he wants a brick up his ass, but wait he doesn't know yuuris gonna shove a brick up his ass yet  
he'll love it anyway  
anything up his ass for yuuri <3

“Viktor I'll be right back I'm gonna get that brick™”  
“yuuri stop teasing me that's hot”  
“theres literally nothing hot about a brick what the fuck”  
“oh sorry I just wanted you to put it up my ass and fuck me like I'm cottage cheese”  
“;)”  
“I really like cottage cheese”

so yuuri goes into his closet and finds his precious brick, slowly petting the sharpie artwork on the surface, smiling warmly at the memories he was about to make with his beautiful husband, who was groaning loudly from the kitchen.

yuuri comes back into the kitchen and finds Viktor sobbing on the floor, dick really fucking hard. like. he's HARD. he might be harder than the brick tbh smh. Hes crying and eating cottage cheese. he's comfort eating cottage cheese because he's so sexually frustrated. God have mercy on his soul. He’s leaking everywhere. He has cottage cheese on his dick. Viktor,,,, ,, ,., ,,, , , why

“Viktor stand up you fuckin pussy im gonna shove a brick up your ass”

“Wow. amazing. Yuuri, you are the light of my life. Your presence leaves me breathless, speechless. I have long yearned for a love this true for many years past, my heart flutters at the mere awareness of your existence on this beautiful planet we call Earth. My soulmate, my love, my life, i wish to cherish you for the rest of my life, nay, the rest of both of our lives, as our circulatory organs beat as one, although at times, your presence elicits a premature ventricular contraction in me, for which, i feel breathless and at pure awe of your everlasting beauty that rivals that of Goddess Aphrodite, or her respective Roman counterpart, Venus.”

“What”  
“what.”

Yuuri shakes his head a little and tries to ignore that

He picks viktor off the kitchen floor and bends him over the kitchen counter, spreading viktor’s plump cheeks, and rams the brick up his ass.  
Viktor moans and screams in pain but still takes the brick farther into his ass cause he’s a big strong stroganoff for Yuuri. It hurts but he does it for Yuuri. He might even get rewarded with cottage cheese later. He likes cottage cheese.  
Oh shoot did i forget to write in the stroganoff lube  
O well yuuri went into the fridge and got out the leftover cold beef stroganoff and dumped it over the half-inserted brick and viktor’s stretched and very raw asshole. Viktor whimpers in delight.  
The stroganoff gravy is everywhere. It makes excellent lube.  
Its everywhere oh god is that blood of fucking course its blood you just shoved a BRICK up his ass what did you fucking expect you degenerate millennial god get thee to a nunnery you absolute shitstain (thats from hamlet i love hamlet)

Yuuri fucks viktor roughly with the brick, and viktor is bleeding everywhere, but hes also moaning and clearly enjoying it so like i guess its alright

Unless viktor passes out from blood loss

Yuuris like

shit

So he like gets him to the hospital, with the brick still lodged in viktors ass (cause quite honestly, he couldnt get it out. Theres beef stroganoff residue everywhere too.) Oh no i think the sharpie’s fading :(

Viktor wakes up as if he was in some kind of post coital bliss, like there isnt a brick up his ass and absurd amount of blood everywhere.

He giggles  
“Hehe yuuri wow you sure made a mess you dirty boy :))))))))))))”  
Yuuri giggles back “thats all you dear, youve been a naughty boy. You know what naughty boys get?”  
“Hehe what ;))))))))”

The doctor interrupts them, screaming

“What the hell is wrong with you two theres a fucking brick up his rectum, he’s bleeding. He could actually die you know that? He is going to require intense operation to remove this brick and you’re fucking dirty talking right now? Mr. Nikiforov, how the hell did this happen?”

Viktor responds, “im a construction worker. I like beef stroganoff.”

The doctor looks off to the side, but at a very focused place like they do in The Office. You know the one, where the guy just like looks right at the camera. The doctor is totally dumbfounded, as am i.

A lengthy operation happens, and viktor gets ass stitches. As they leave the hospital, yuuri spanks Viktor’s ass, in which almost makes viktor pass out again cause ouch.

But, because Viktor is a sick fuck, just like all the assholes reading this right now, he’s grateful. He’s aroused by the pain. He’s aroused by the brick-induced ass surgery. He’s holding the brick in a plastic bag. The sharpie is faded just slightly, the effects of their love.  
He looks at Yuuri lovingly.

“thank"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3


	4. r00d

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay so viktor and yuuri being the freaks they are decide they should show the world their love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I THOUGHT THIS FIC COULD DIE AT LAST BUT NO, I HAD TO JOIN A DISCORD WHERE THEY PRAISE THIS FIC LIKE A SUN GOD SO NOW I MUST BRING IT BACK. YOURE WELCOME. 
> 
> honestly though discord user Linisy inspired this monster upon seeing her .,/.,,./ ,/../, unhealthy obsession with it. i,.,.,. ,./ /,. idk man

“Listen here you fucks.”, says viktor. Viktor is angry.

 

“Im not going to sit around here and let you harass my husband. Exploiting him online and shit. I love him. He loves shoving things up my ass almost as much i love---” 

A single tear rolls down his cheek.

 

“cOtTaGe ChEeSe”

 

Viktor has to lie down for a bit. He loves cottage cheese so much.

 

Yuuri is sitting next to him on the couch, caressing his thigh as Viktor has to blew his nose.

 

They’ve been getting r00d commentz on their amatuer pornhub.com page. Apparently cottage cheese and various other food items isnt as big a kink as they thought it would be. Thats news to viktor. Fucking bad dragon exists and they get mean comments when they shove things up their asses? Wow.  

 

Yuuri whispers soothing words into viktors ear, “bby dont be hurt its okay i love you and i love when your asstitches cut into my dick sometimes when i mash you too hard bb ily dont cru”

 

“But yuuri we need to get reveneneg eh whats spelling of the wordio again /shrug” (чего??? Виктор не говорит по-английски!!!) [ TL ](https://translate.google.com/#ru/en/%D1%87%D0%B5%D0%B3%D0%BE%3F%3F%3F%20%D0%92%D0%B8%D0%BA%D1%82%D0%BE%D1%80%20%D0%BD%D0%B5%20%D0%B3%D0%BE%D0%B2%D0%BE%D1%80%D0%B8%D1%82%D1%8C%20%D0%BF%D0%BE-%D0%B0%D0%BD%D0%B3%D0%BB%D0%B8%D0%B9%D1%81%D0%BA%D0%B8!!!)

 

“Vikutoru! I havu idearu!”

 

Viktor’s heart bursts out of his chest at that exclamation. He smooches Yuuri real good and then turns off the camera.

 

“Ok i wanna do your idea yuuri but this video has to go out too”

 

“Yeah youre right yup.”

 

“What should we call it yuuri??????????>>>??>?”

 

“It should be deadass., /.,/,. /,. ,. //,. ,  “Back Off Cause We Bite (╬ ಠ益ಠ)!!!”

 

“Ooooo yuuri that’s good that sounds intimidating and scary..,/.,,.,. ., theyll definitely leave us alone.,,.,/. ,. . ,/, /.,  but i dont wanna scare them!!! I just wanna share my hot pron!!! I need to add an emoticon to make it better <3”

 

He flies to a wikipedia page of a list of emoticons, scanning through with his serious, concentrated eye. His brow furrows. A bead of sweat forms on his giant stupid forehead. He bites his lip. His legs shake on their own accord. 

 

A moment of silence as he pastes it into the title of the video. 

 

“Perfect. <#3,#<#3,#<”

 

“Back Off Cause We Bite (╬ ಠ益ಠ)!!!･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*ヽ(´ー`)人(´∇｀)人(`Д´)ノ･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*”

 

“Ok viktoru  that’s > perfect. Now we need to upload it and then i can have you all to myself ok”

 

“Ok thank”

 

Viktor then, of course, posts the video on their pornhub page. 

 

“Viktor i want you to read me the meanest comment and when i cry i want you to shove a cabbage up my ass”

 

“Ok”

 

He set up the camera once again, and made sure to get yuuri’s naked, beautiful ass framed perfectly as usual.” What they upload their sexual escapades even if people get r00d about it cause they love eachother thats why

 

Viktor scrolled through the latest video, titled

“I fuck victor with a spoon. (spoiler its cottage cheese)”

 

He thought the video was art all on its own, but alas, the first comment read,

  
  


Viktor was a big strong stroganoff for yuuri, but even this began to hurt him just a little. He wanted to cru. 

 

“Ok yuuri i have a very mean comment but its very mean are you sure i should read it”

 

“[insert pornstar moan] yes vicktore make me cry with your mean words punish me daddy-kun kimochi”

 

“Okay here goes:::::::::::::: ‘the first sentence doesnt even capitalize viktor im done’”

 

“WHAT HNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG MY ASSHOLE IS CLENCHING I CANT DO THIS”

 

“Breathe yuuri its okay i have the cabbage ready its right here”

 

“Oh thank god gimme that cabbage daddy mmmfmfmfmfmfmfmfmfmffhhfhmfmhfhfmhf”

 

Anyway Viktor slowly presses the cabbage to yuuri’s gaping hole. Its a little tough, but with enough love, trust, and viktordust. ., .,. ,./ ., yuuri’s greedy lil hole is opening wide for papa and his veggy ball of goodness. 

 

But wait

_ Whats that?????? I couldve sworn he didn’t use lube!!! _ \- yuuri thought

 

Oh wait i think its just.,.,. //,/. Hnnnnggg what is that that feel очень kimochi

 

“Vicktore did you slick up that cabbage with cottage cheese again??? You know im not  huge fan of cottage cheese!” (we all know thats bullshit katsuki)

 

“No yuuri. I slicked it with my love. My homemade baked macaroni- topped with mayonnaise and maybe some of your semen i kept in the fridge for a while but you dont need to know that.”

 

“Oh my god viktor thats so hot pls raw me harder i wanna find babies in the cabbage after youre done”

 

Viktor raws yuuri with his macaroni cabbage so hard yuuri cums cottage cheese. No like he literally fucking shoots cottage cheese out of his dick.

 

“Wow yuuri you came so hard you naughty boiiiiii <#”

 

“Viktor im honestly slightly mortified. I think i need to see a doctor.”

 

“Nonsense yuuri, love of my life, my life/love, this is all part of the process.”

 

“What process??<?>?<>”, yuuri honks confusedly, like a penguin.

 

“The process of getting you ready for the main course. We’re gonna eat this yuuri. Look into the camera my little творожуленька.”

 

Yuuri looks into the camera sexily. He’s really confused as to why theres cottage cheese coming out of his dick, but at this point it was bound to happen. 

 

“Mmmmmm feed me daddy vitya with that cottage cheese”

 

“Oh yuura youre so sloppy when youre horny ;))))))))”

 

Viktor then proceeds to scoop up a handful of yuuri’s dripping cottage cum, you know like in those pics wait wait ill go get one

  
  


One of these. Yeah. he makes that hand motion and scoops up that cum cheese and slathers it all up in Yuuri’s face for the camera.

 

Viktor looks into the camera as he continues fisting the chunky creamy goodness into yuuri’s vorehole

 

“Watch this nerds im gonna make yuuri come strawberries next to prove my love”

 

Yuuri gasps in surprise with viktor’s fist still down his throat, and out comes a strawberry. He fuckin shat out a strawberry. Was it stuck there the whole time? Did yuuri magically create the strawberry? Dont ask too many questions. Some things are meant to be kept secret ;)

 

“Yuuri i said id make you come the strawberry not shit it”

 

“¯\\_(ツ)_/¯”

 

Yuuri was a writhing mess under viktor as his ass rapidly shot out more strawberries. He was moaning, whimpering, gasping for air as he came again, again, again. 3 orgasms in a row. Yuuri’s stamina is incredible. 

 

“Vicktore you need to cum too you dirty slot bend over”

 

“Okay ;)”

 

Yuuri stumbles to his feet and pushes viktor down to his hands and knees. Yuuri is incredibly thirsty today after that hot cabbage fuck. He needs viktor to come undone. Thats his kink. Mine too. 

 

“Viktor kun ive been a naughty lil boy, but youve been an even naughtier carrot.”, yuuri says as he rummaged through the fridge, which is apparently their idea of a sex toy stash. Dont fucking kink shame them.

 

He pulls out a carrot. Dont forget the cottage cheese <3 you know how much viktor loves cottage cheese FUCK I REALLY LIKE COTTAGE CHEESE AND NOW THAT MY SISTER IS HERE SHE EAT ALL OF IT SO IVE BEEN WITHOUT COTTAGE CHEESE FOR LIKE WEEKS MAN. WEEKS. PLEASE LORD HAVE MERCY ON MY POOR COTTAGE CHEESE LOVING SOUL THATS ALL I WANT IN LIFE DAMNIT I DONT ASK FOR MUCH

 

anyway

 

deadass viktor spreads his cheeks for the camera cause duh this is his amatuer pronhub account and his hole is all gapey and self lubricating? Somehow? I swear this wasn’t an a/b/o when i started this

 

And yuuri comes back from the kitchen with a fuckin

 

Carrot

 

And a steaming hot bowl of борщ (borscht for you plebs that cant read cyrilililciclicll cc whats good

 

“viktor u foken carrot youre getting a carrot up your ass tonight buddy pal”

 

“[sexy gulp] whats the borscht for?????/??????/././>????/”

 

“Youll just have to wait and see ;))))))) :P”

 

Before viktore has the time to react the carrot is violently shoved up his now very tight stitched asshole, but oops the stitches are coming out cause that is one thicc carrot boi and now viktor’s ass is ripped. Again. Fuck man what is this goddamn fic’s issue with fucking ripped asshole who tf even wrote this shit wtf viktor DONT KINK SHAME THEM

 

anyway so like i was saying viktors ass is ripped yet again but yuuri fuckin loves cause as much as hed hate to tell you, hes a freaq and he loves ripping viktors ass and making him squeal like a dying pig its so hot

 

Oh man especially when yuuri shoves his dick in him with the carrot and effectively shreds the carrot with his manly thrusts hoo boy thats some hot shit

 

“Ah fuck yuuri thats gooooood uuuuugggghhhhh fuck me so hard you make me cum deviled asseggs”

“Viktor wtf is a deviled assegg”

 

“Oh you know like deviled eggs..,,/. ,. , /,. ,./ from my ass with love (also i want you to impregnate me with them but ive just been watching too much tentacle pron you dont need to know that)  <#<3,3,#33,33,”

 

“Ok”------ dont let the expressionless phrase fool you, he says it all for love.

 

“Oops i forgot about the borscht cause i was fucking u lmao i hope its not cold now :P”

 

Yuuri pulls out of viktor all at once and viktor is screaming. He is actually screaming cause its fucking painful and hes probably losing a lot fo blood but /shrug

 

Yuuri takes the whole bowl of borscht and shoves it up his ass

 

The whole bowl. 

 

Its still really hot and viktor says yEOUCH

 

The bowl cracks while its in his ass

 

It gets sucked into the void.

 

It is never to be seen again.

 

Viktor is a fuckin freaq so he thinks its hot and he comes from the pleasure of it all.

 

Yuuri smiles.

 

viktor, with love and lust and post-orgasmic bliss in his eyes says “yuuri gimme some tvorog im gonna write your name in it”

 

“Ok”   

 

Yuuri gives him a plate of tvorog (cottage cheese fuck i love it so much) and viktor weakly writes “Юри” in it. 

 

Then he literally fucking dies. Blood loss man. Sucks.

 

Yuuri stops the recording and mourns for his actually fucking dead husband.

 

He uploads the video anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Viktor Nikiforov is actually fucking dead


	5. rip viktor (and me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The end. (Spoiler its a callout post)

Hello all. 

 

No, no this is not another installment of Viktor and Yuuri's sexual escapades involving various food items being shoved up their asses that really,  _really, **really**_ should not be inserted into their asses, for a number of reasons. 

 

Reason one being, well, Viktor Nikiforov is actually dead. No, he's not a cheese vamp. No, he is not a ghost. No, he will not come back. He is dead. 

 

Consider this a metaphor. 

 

Being at the top of the world only brings you somewhere for so long until you do something dumb and get yourself hurt. Or killed via borscht. Whichever works. /shrug

 

Viktor gets crazier and crazier each chapter. He has confidence. Ego. Where did that lead him? Borscht up his ass. Dead. For the whole internet. Both on pornhub.com and archiveofourown.org.

 

And Yuuri? Man he was also up there. Also very dependent too. You know what happened after Viktor died? Yuuri died of a heartbreak. His reliance on Viktor also led to his own downfall. He loved Viktor so much, that ended up being his death. A Tragic Hero worthy of a Shakespearean Tragedy.  _1 kudos=5 cries_

 

 

anyway

 

enough of that emo shit. 

 

Reason number two for not having another juicy crack chapter is this:

fuck man i cant think of anything funny anymore. /shrug

 

i also just wanted an excuse to get someones attention. 

 

here goes

 

ViktoriousNikiforov. I see you in my comments. I see you. Every chapter. You seem to enjoy this fic. I enjoy your comments. You know what the most exciting thing about posting these chapters were?  _You showing up._

_No really. For the past few days ive been gushing about my love for you. Friends and I have referred to you as my "ao3 love". If i didnt leave that discord earlier today i wouldve been able to pull receipts. Aw man i even posted this mini essay on how i could connect this experience to Stammi Vicino. Drats now i really regret leaving that discord. No receipts. I assure you though, it was glorious._

 

 **UPDATE 7/2/2017** i somehow got that essay. Here it is. You're welcome. 

 

_"i know what viktor felt like when he pined for yuuri. it all makes sense. im living up to me tumblr url and my ao3 pseud._

_that one night. in the comments section of cottage cheese fic. i met her. the love of my life. She commented. It sent my head spinning. Showed me my L words. She said:_  
_I just. My words. I'm????? Cryinggg???_

_So. Shook._

_Relationship goals tho._

_Oh how naive i was to think that'd be the last i saw of her. She appeared since then, every chapter. 2, 3, now 4..._

_I realize how what this meant._

_This is ao3 version of Stammi Vicino._

_i write a call for help. a fic about shocing cottage cheese up my asshole. a plea. a last ditch effort for love and acceptance in this cruel, dark world where even my own mother dispises me._

_and here it is._

_ive found the answer._

_ViktoriousNikiforov, you are far away, but oh so very near. I will find you, and i will answer the call for love."_

 

 

(((ALSO DISCLAIMER MY MOTHER DOES NOT HATE ME, IT WAS A JOKE IN THE SERVER. lONG STORY)))

 

_I believe last time i ctrl+f'ed "ViktoriousNikiforov" on that server you ao3 username was mentioned atleast 17 times. Keep in mind i only started mentioning this name after chapter 4. Which was. Two days ago._

 

_Let's not forget the ctrl+fing of "ao3 love". That number is possibly close to 30. (again, i would check, but i left so /shrug). A number of people have told me this exact phrase, "Alex. Chill." or "Stop stalking them". Not that i was stalking or anything._

 

_Also i replied to your latest comment 3 times. I deleted two of them. One of them was asking for your tumblr or something so i can invite you to said discord, but you can see why thats deleted. cause. well. i left._

 

_Funny story, before i deleted that comment reply, i had already found you on tumblr via your[fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10701516/chapters/23703315) (its really good!!!!!!!! not crack lmao) notes, but i didnt message you cause its a little weird to ask for a tumblr, then  message you on tumblr? like it makes it obvious i was looking for like three hours? (not that i was.. /. ., /.i/., ., /., not what i /., .  i ./, .,  i mean. /., /., anyway)_

 

_the other comment was just idk a thing about the major character death but then i figured the comment that came after (the one still there) was good enough on its own._

 

_anyway i wanted to call you out because im extra:tm: and i think you're neat. <3. _

 

Also gjapples. 

 

I have a funny story about you actually. 

See, when i first uploaded this, you were the only bookmark. You never commented, but you were there. watching. waiting. i wondered for the longest time thinking "man who is this person., ., /., /. ,/., bookmarking this shit.,/., .//./, silent. ./,., ., /., but there. always there., /., /., /., kudos...,/. ,////./,, "

 lmao and kannst_du_nicht!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant believe the mental prep you go through just for lil old me <3\. From chapter 1 til now, you comments have been outstanding and truly magnificent. thank.

and like literally anyone that has commented. Yall were a blessing. It's been a wild ride. I love you all. 

 

Maybe ill try another crack fic one day. 

 

 

 

i still love cottage cheese though. ill always love cottage cheese. 

Thank.

 

**UPDATE 7/3/2017**

GUYS IVE SUCCESSFULLY WOOED vIKTORIOUSnIKIFOROV AND THEY'RE ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL JDRHBFGCKNJSKDJTLCGJRHBRFGLJKDFS WE GOTA ALONG RIGHT AWAY AND IM SO HAPPY <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 MY L WORDS MERJKHB GKRDFBGKMCJSDMTGCTR,LJHS LETS GET MARRIED AND CARRY ON VIKTOR AND YUURI'S LEGACY i LOVE THEM KJERSHDCFHKMSFJHMLHKJGHDVYBTFYGKHJK MIDDLE FINGER TO THE PEOPLE THAT SAID IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE <3 <3 <3

 

we FINISH EACHOTHER'S SANDWICHES

 

DEADASS THE BIGGEST PLOT TWIST

 

ARE YOU READY

 

SHES ALLERGIC TO CHEESE.

 

MAN WHAT RIVETING PLOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SURELY IF THIS WERE A FIC IT'D BE ANGST. RIVALS SERIES? NO. FUCKING COTTAGE CHEESE AU CHAPTER 5. BIGGEST ANGST. 

 

i just love her so much and i cant believe this is literally fucking Stammi Vicino. This is literally Stammi Vicino. Im crying. Cottage cheese helped me find love. 

 

I LOVE YOU BABE KJDFHCBGVJDFBMGCKVXJDRBS,F,JCHVXDF,SGJBVCDHFBXM,LZJDKXNCV GBNGVHBDCFDHFGBYGJVCTSRXEFNAJCHF LETS GET MARRIED AND ADOPT LIKE 300 GOATS (ill let you eat a few but keep atleast 200 for cuddles thank) TE AMO

 

ALSO FUCKIN

ANOTHER COMMENTER I GOTTA YELL ABOUT

SOYUNPERDEDOR

I LOVE YOU (ALSO I GOOGLE TRANSLATED YOUR USER CAUSE I DIDNT KNOW WHAT PERDEDOR MEANT BUT I KNEW SOY UN MEANT YOU WERE CALLING YOURSELF A PERDEDOR AND NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO ERES PERDEDOR. ERES BUENO. (wowee look at me im so good at spanish arent i??? my three years really paid off yup yup i am the god of spanish dont even talk to me unless you speak my level of spanish k thank)

DEADASS I WAS LIKE GIGGLING LIKE AN IDIOT READING YOUR COMMENT. I LOVED IT. I ALREADY GUSHED ABOUT IT IN THE COMMENT REPLY BUT FUCKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 IT GOT ME EMO. I WAS LIKE "holy shit look at all the positives cottage cheese has brought me. look at it all. look at this love. look at this camaraderie. im wheezing.  _no really im wheezing i have bronchitis_

_ANYWAY YES I LOVE YOU ALL <3 <3 <3 _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3


	6. ITS BACK HAHAHAHA I LIED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Listen. I said Viktor wouldn’t ever come back. 
> 
> But i didnt say that Yuuri wouldn’t *rubs hands together*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate myself.

 Turns out, this is a reincarnation au. 

 

Yuuri reincarnated. He reincarnated as cottage cheese. I mean really, what did you expect him to reincarnated as? A Figure Skater? He fucking shot cottage cheese out of dick.  _ Why would he not reincarnate as cottage cheese? _

 

Anyway so yuuri is literally cottage cheese now. Dont worry though, this isnt the [chair fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10984299). He has all his normal Yuuri feelings. 

 

But man he misses Viktor. He doesnt remember anything from his past life other than Viktor. I mean lets be honest, was there anything in his past life to remember other than Viktor???

 

Hes in a grocery store in Russia now. Waiting. 

 

Hes in the fridge.

 

Its cold.

 

Dont worry hes with other cottage cheeses.

 

He’s gonna expire one day.

 

Will he reincarnate again?

 

Time passes. People grab him. Inspect him. Put him back. He has yet to meet the human of his dreams. 

 

One day, it happens. 

 

An older man. He looks around 70. His voice is gruff, strong like the Ancient Grus of Russia. Old, wise, charming. The biggest, strongest stroganoff he has ever laid his cheesy eyes on. His cheesy kokoro goes dokidoki. He wants this man’s big strong hands to hold him, protect him, touch him. Tickle him in all the right ways. He wants to be eaten. He wants to be used like the dirty little cottage cheese he is. He wants to be made into pancakes and slathered in sourcream and love. 

 

Cottage Cheese Yuuri is sweating in nervousness as the old man picks him up and out of the fridge. Yuuri’s waiting to be let down and put back in the fridge. But, he isnt ever put back in that fridge. Yuuri is so happy he could scream. So am i honestly good for you Yuuri.

He’s taken to the cashier. The man is speaking to the cashier. They seem to know eachother. Perhaps he’s a regular customer.

 

He hears his name. The name of his first love in this life. 

 

_ Yakov. _

 

His cottage cheese face is positively beaming now. Kokoro dokidoki-ing. Kimochii. Абсолютно вкусно. юРИ ЛЮБИТ ЕГО ОТ COTTAGE CHEESE ДУШИ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

Chotto a minute, yakov is looking at yuuri strangely. Hes licking his lips, growling.

 

Oh boy i wonder whats gonna happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

~~~

 

TIMESKIP TO LIKE 20 MINUTES LATER AT YAKOVS HOUSE

 

Yuuri is in another fridge. Its filled with other cottage cheeses like himself. As far as he can tell, he is STILL the only sentient cottage cheese here. Drats.

 

But this ismt any ordinary fridge

 

This is YAKOVs fridge.

 

He is home.

 

Soon enough, yakov opens the fridge.

 

Yuuri cant wait to be eaten

 

“Mmmmmmmmm yuuri im getting the cottage cheese”

 

_ Wat _

 

_ But im yuuri _

 

_ Why is he talking to another yuuri _

 

Yakov grabs cottage cheese yuuri and places him on the kitchen counter. Its cold. Cottage cheese yuuri shivers.

 

Yakov dips his fingers into yuuri. Yakov is naked.

He spreads cottage yuuri over his hairy nipples. Yuuris cottage cheese breath hitches.

 

Cottage yuuri looks down. Human yuuri is sucking yakovs dick. Yakov growls in pleasure. 

 

Human yuuri scoops up more of cottage yuuri. He spreads it on yakovs dokipeen. Yakov moans loudly

 

“Da yuuri mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm fuck my chlen с творогом”

 

Both yuuris do exactly that.

 

Human yuuris mouth hollows and he sucks on yakovs cottage dick. Cottage cheese yuuri drips from yakovs nips.

 

“Yakov you dirty boy look at this mess you made” - says human yuuri

 

Yakov cums in both yuuris

 

Cottage cheese yuuri swallows. Spitters are quitters. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen i wish i knew where this came from


	7. someone end my meaningless suffering it was almost 5 am when i started this and i want death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fuckin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wish i could say i was under some kind of influence to create this but
> 
> i hate myself even more now

You may be wondering

 

Yakov came last chapter. 

 

But our poor yuuris got outta that blueballed.

 

Whatll happen if cottage yuuri depletes? Will he just reincarnate again? God forbid, what if he reincarnates with a dairy allergy? Oh no what if hes also allergic to nuts so like 98% of all cheese substitutes give him hives? Or anaphylactic shock??? Oh god

 

Ill tell you what happened that night after cottage yuuri took yakovs splooge like a champ. 

 

Cottage yuuri got to learn how yakov and yuuris relationship worked. 

 

Turns out. Theres a contract. Its like fifty shades of grey but hotter and cheesier. 

 

Theres a sex dungeon. 

 

Yuuri and Yakov have an agreement that only the Alpha Male gets to cum. Yuuri is apparently not an alpha male. Cottage Yuuri is slightly offended. 

 

But Cottage Yuuri is not Yuuri. Cottage Yuuri will show Yakov-sama whos boss.

 

Later that evening the telltale sign of hor----hunger shows its soft pink head in the fridge as Yuuri grabs Cottage Yuuri and dips his finger in for a lick. 

 

Yakov doesnt seem to be around. 

 

“Listen, you cottage piece of shit, i know youre sentient cause you fuckin swallowed yakovs cum. Listen you gotta help me out. I havent been able to cum in 6 years. Im so horny. I shoved a  pickle up my ass in the bathroom and i accidentally dropped it in the toilet and i fished it out and continued. Yakov walked in and i dropped the pickle again and pretended it was shit. You gotta help me. Call the police. 

 

“First of all, im literally cottage cheese, i cannot call the police for you. Second, ive had weirder things shoved up my ass in my past life./ /., .  you cant scare me, thirdly, fear not, i can help you out.”

 

“Deal”

 

“We didnt even make a deal”

 

“Fucking shutup im so desperate id shove you up my ass and youll never see the light of day again fuckin help me”

 

Timeskip. Yuuri brought the tub of cottage cheese into the sex dungeon.

 

Yuuri shoved his schwengel into the tub of cottage yuuri. He leaked precum instantly as cottage yuuri hollowed his cheeks and took his head like a pornstar. He had a lot of experience in his past life with viktor. Bless. Did i mention cottage yuuri is an excellent deepthroater?

 

Yuuri was only about three succs away from that dear climax when cottage yuuri removed himself from yuuris dick with a wet pop. 

 

Dont ask how hes doing any of this despite being literal cottage cheese.

 

Someone save me

 

Anyway so yuuri was real close to that sweet, sweet release when cottage yuuri roughly strapped him to the bed with cuffs and shit you get the idea. Cottage yuuri was gonna tease the shit outta his human self. Establish his alpha-ness.

 

Cottage yuuri squirted himself on yuuris nip nops. Oops, it got a little messy. Yuuri shudders. His nips are very hard. So hard it could cut through the jungles of India. 

 

anyway so cottage yuuri of course lubes up yuuris asshole when all of a sudden

 

DUN DUN DUN YAKOV ENTERS

 

“yuuri !! ! ! ! ! ! ! if youre about to cum i swear to god ill unadopt you again!  ! 1  i cant believe youre wasting my cottage cheese on your pleasure you fuckin 1-ply shitty asswipe”

 

“I swear the cottage cheese did this im innocent daddy pls dont punish me im your only son”

 

Yakov growls lustily

 

“You disobeyed your master, cottage cheese, looks like ill have to teach you a lesson”

 

Yakovsama then shoves his ochinchin into cottage yuuris pulsing cheese hole

 

“You were never my master yakov kun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111”

 

Cottage yuuri bucks his hips in pleasure. His breath hitches. He whimpers loudly. 

 

“Oh yes yakov kun im gonna cheese!!!!!!!!” says cottage yuuri

He comes. Cottage cheese is everywhere. Yakov is troubled. I guess Hes not the alpha after all.

 

Normal Yuuri is still tied up, but cottage yuuri is too spent in his post coital bliss to care.

 

Yakov gives himself two more thrusts in the cheese and he spills his love, mixing it tastefully with cottage cheese. 

 

Yuuri is still tied up.

 

He begins to cry.

 

He still never got to come. 

 

Cottage yuuri and yakov left the room.

 

Yuuri will get his revenge one day.

 

Omegas have rights too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck


	8. Look at this bomb ass dip I just made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck

Yo what is up my homeslices

I’m kind of back from a big ole long spoopy haitus

School and all that shit you know

Dumb

Getting ready for cOOleg

Gross fuck

Anyway I just made a bomb ass artichoke and spinach dip and it’s fAuck honestly I want this up my ass

Like fucking look at it dude

listen

this isn’t even about viktuuri or Yakuuri or whatever the fuck was going on the last 7 fucking chapters bro

 

im not a good cook. I hate cooking. I suck at this shit BUT THIS? fuck

 

fuck

 

that crispy outer layer

that creamy center

fUKc me dUDE 

shove it up my ass

use your fingers and coat my anal walls evenly with your gentle touch bro

 

 

 

 

fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: yo dawg i think i overdosed on artichoke dip   
> no like i puked out thicc chunky artichoke dip
> 
> worth it

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys if you want you can hmu on tumblr @victors_tears
> 
>  
> 
> i wont bite  
> ...unless youre cottage cheese
> 
> [HEY LOOK GOOD OLE' BUDDY PAL LINISY MADE SOME WONDERFUL FANART CHECK IT OUT](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/330053209378914305/332952335607398402/unknown.png)


End file.
